1. The cost needs to be counted first.  “For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?” (Luke 14:28)  And verse 31: “Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand?” The implications of this in the context of a courtship is that certain building blocks and raw materials need to be in place before commencing the courtship.  A prayerful consideration needs to be made of the person, their character, lifestyle, doctrine, the way they interact with family members, their perspective on the church and church life, the kind of company they keep, their work ethic, temperament, cultural and emotional background etc. “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” (Amos 3:3)  All these things need to be prayerfully considered before commencing a courtship to see “whether he has enough” or “whether he is able” to take the plunge into the strong emotional current of Courtship River.   If these assessments are left for the courtship period, emotions are more than likely to get in the way and the expression “love is blind” is likely to become true.

Lots of godly counsel needs to be sought. “Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisers they succeed.” (Prov 15:22) “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety“ (11:14). “Plans are established by counsel; by wise guidance wage war.” (20:14) “…for by wise guidance you can wage your war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory“ (24:6).  In the context of a courtship, considering the seriousness of the decision, a lot of counsel is needed–which will take a lot of time.  Those who know you best need to be consulted: family members, close friends, the pastor and elders, church family, work colleagues–people who are more likely to be objective and who are not emotionally involved.  All this counsel needs to be sought out before commencing a courtship and before “letting the emotions loose” (Song 2:7, 3:5, 8:4).
Lots of prayer needs to be made alone before God.  Before Jesus selected the twelve apostles, “…he went out to the mountain to pray, and all night he continued in prayer to God. And when day came, he called his disciples and chose from them twelve, whom he named apostles…” (Luke 6:12-13).  Notice that he was alone and that he was earnest in prayer before calling out the twelve.  So too, earnest prayer (alone and with others) needs to be made before commencing a courtship.
There must be submission to God’s will

• • A potential spouse must be sought from a content heart.  A content heart is willing to say, “Lord I desire this, but your will be done.”  In other words, “Lord if it is your will for me to marry or not to marry at all for the rest of my life: your will be done.” “Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”  (Luke 22:42)
  • Don’t seek for marriage alone.  To put it another way:  don’t look for a spouse.  Rather look for someone with whom you can live an Eph 5:22-33 life.  The difference is subtle, but profound.  The one way is man-centered and idolatrous; the other is God-centered.
  • You marry a person, you don’t marry marriage

With the roles of Gen 2:18-25 as the foundation, I was praying through Eph 5:22-33 and noticed something striking.

• He loved the church - not everyone – from before the foundation of the WORLD!  ”…while we were still sinners, Christ died for us…” (Rom 5:8).   Who are “we”?  Answer:  ”To all those in Rome who are loved by God and called to be saints” (1:7).  And these loved saints are those whose names have been “written before the foundation of the world in the book of life of the Lamb who was slain.” (Rev 13:8)
• He came into the world to die for and save the church – not all mankind!  ”I am the Good Shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.”  (John 10:11).
• The prayers and intercessions of Christ are only for the church - not the world!  ”I am praying for them. I am not praying for the world but for those whom you have given me, for they are yours.”  (John 17:9)  Also:  ”…Consequently, he is able to save to the uttermost those who draw near to God through him, since he always lives to make intercession for them.”  (Heb 7:25)  Who are the “them”?  Answer:  ”those who draw near to God through Him.”  The church alone draws near to God.  The rest are alienated and hostile in mind.
• Christ sent the Spirit to the church – not the world!  ”And behold, I am sending the promise of my Father upon you.”  (Luke 24:49).  The “you” is explained by Paul in Rom 4:16, “That is why it depends on faith, in order that the promise may rest on grace and be guaranteed to all his offspring—not only to the adherent of the law but also to the one who shares the faith of Abraham, who is the father of us all.”  So the promise (i.e. of the Spirit) is sent to all Abraham’s offspring – i.e. the children of promise, those who exercise faith.

See how glorious the connection is then with marriage!  The husband has a high and deep and rich calling to imitate Christ:  as Christ has a special and supreme and exclusive love for the church, so the husband is to have a special and supreme and exclusive love for his wife.  This love is for nobody else.  Yes, of course the husband is to love all men and especially the church (1 Cor 13), but there is a unique way in which a husband needs to “nourish and cherish” his wife and “give himself up for her” in a way in which he cannot and must not do for anyone else.  A man whose desires are being moulded by the Word desires to be and do these things.

Conversely, a godly woman whose desires are being moulded by the Word, desires to be “nourished and cherished” and loved with this sacrificial love by her husband alone (not any other man).  She desires to love her own husband and to submit to him alone “in everything”.  She desires to sit in the shade of one man and one man alone:  her husband.

The application is this:  a godly man can only give shade to one woman:  his wife.  Therefore, in order to treat the “younger women as sisters, in all purity” (1 Tim 5:2), he needs to make sure that he not only treats them with sexual purity, but also emotional and spiritual purity.  Women were made with an innate desire to be led and to sit in the shade of a man.  How can a man then treat a woman with integrity if he is giving her something which ought to be reserved for marriage?  How can a man treat a woman with integrity if he is giving her something when marriage is not even a consideration for 3 or 4 years to come?  He cannot and must not give her the degree of emotional support or spiritual guidance and authority that a husband alone should provide.  That’s probably the main reason why the Holy Spirit in infinite wisdom instructed the “older women (not men) … to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children…”  (2 Tim 2:3-4).

By the same token, because a courtship is a relationship which is meant to provide an environment in which marriage can be seriously investigated from the beginning, it should have the level of committment, seriousness, love and selflessness which starts resembling the supreme fidelity of marriage.  As marriage is a relationship of supreme fidelity, so the pre-marital relationship should be a relationship of great fidelity (not supreme fidelity–because they are not “one flesh” yet.  She/he can still end the relationship).  Otherwise, it’s just one big emotional game and roller-coaster ride.

3) Considering it is pre-marital, it should start resembling the characteristics of marriage.

The supreme picture of marriage is the relationship between Christ and His Church (Eph 5:22-33)

• Husbands should imitate Christ:
  • Christ “loved the church and gave Himself for her.”  Men are to love their wives with a sacrificial, agape love – willing to “give oneself for her”
  • Christ loved and died for the Church “that he might sanctify her” and “that he might present the church to himself in splendor” and “that she might be holy and without blemish.”  So too, men are to love their wives with the love that says to her, “For now we live, if you are standing fast in the Lord.” (1 Thes 3:8)
  • Christ loves the church as His own body, as His own flesh.  So too, the husband is to “love his wife as himself.”  Spiritually, materially, physically, emotionally, sexually, etc.  For Christ “nourishes and cherishes” the Church because “we are members of His body.”
• Wives should imitate the Church:
  • “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” (v. 24)
  • “…let the wife see that she respects her husband.” (v. 33)

Contrast modern dating with this biblical picture of husband-wife relations.  If the highest duty for a husband is to love his wife “as Christ loved the church,” then see how totally unloving it is to semi-commit in a dating relationship, or even in a half-baked courtship (in which there can be no definite committment for a few years)!  How can a woman submit properly to her husband “as the Church submits to Christ” if she has such a poor relationship in which to submit?  Conversely, notice how beautiful, rich, deep, committed, clearly defined, edifying, loving and delightful a pre-marital relationship can be when it is moulded by the glorious doctrine of marriage, represented by Christ and the Church!

4) Considering it is a relationship between two sinners, it should be moulded by the Gospel and the doctrines of indwelling sin, demonic powers and the world.

• Indwelling sin:
  • “For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do.” (Gal 5:17).
  • Because of indwelling sin, we are required to constantly mortify sin by the power of the Spirit: “For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.” (Rom 8:13)
  • Sexual sin is a major issue in our culture.  God has major issues with sexual sin (1 Cor 6:9-10; Gal 5:19-21).  Sexual sin is a big temptation in intimate pre-marital relationships.  Therefore, some serious mortification needs to take place to avoid these soul-destroying sins.
• Temptation, demonic powers and the world:
  • In 1 Corinthians 10, Paul was recounting the idolatry, sexual immorality and departure from God that the Israelites fell into.  He ends off by exhorting them: “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” So it is desirable to escape temptation.  Therefore if one is unnecessarily exposed to temptation, remains within the influence of the temptation while not using the “way of escape,” and proudly assumes that “I think I stand,” this is to tempt God.  (See 1 Cor 10:9; Proverbs 7:6ff)
  • We “…do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” (Ephesians 6:12)
  • We are also exhorted by Paul in 1 Thes 4 to live in contrast to the sexually perverted world around us: “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God.” (1 Thessalonians 4:4-5)
  • The kind of intimacy that comes with a rich, God-glorifying, Christ-centered marriage makes for the most intense and erotic sexual union between husband and wife (see Song of Solomon and Prov 5:15-23).  If a pre-marital relationship is being conducted biblically, the temptations to sexual intimacy are going to be strong.  At all costs, the attitude of a Joseph (Gen 39) needs to be desperately maintained in order to avoid places and circumstances etc that will tempt beyond the point of no-return.  How does a long-term, uncommitted, unprincipled dating relationship or pseudo-courtship accomplish this?
• The Gospel
  • A nutshell verse which describes the exceedingly great power that God has to mould a pre-marital relationship is Rom 1:16, “For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.” The rest of Romans (ch 1-16) describes this inexpressible power available through Jesus Christ, and its effects.  Thanks be to God for Jesus Christ our LORD!  “With man it is impossible, but not with God. For all things are possible with God.” (Mark 10:27)

So the pre-marital relationship must only be commenced:

• When the time is right to be exposed to the temptations that naturally accompany that kind of relationship.
• When the time is right to wage war with the demonic powers in a new arena.
• When the time is right to start a relationship which is not conformed to the pattern of the world.

“The grace of God will not keep you where the will of God does not send you.” –Conrad Mbewe.

• Dating = Marriage-like relationship MINUS the commitment of marriage OR a semi-committed relationship in which the waters are being tested and probed for marriage!
  • Characteristics:  Relatively or completely closed about marriage, non-committal, selfish, undefined, undirected, no goals, temptation-rich environment, unlimited timeframe (because there is no definitive goal)
• Courtship = Pre-marital relationship which is meant to provide an environment in which marriage can be seriously investigated from the beginning
  • Characteristics:  Open about marriage, committed, unselfish, clearly defined, directed, specific goal in view, Christ-centered, in submission to God’s standards, limits the temptations because goals and direction are maintained, limited timeframe

I hope to show from Scripture how I came to those definitions. Moving away from terminology (dating vs. courtship), I wanted to discover the Bible’s teaching on what the engines are that should drive a pre-marital relationship.  Here is what I discovered:

DOCTRINE should define the shape of the pre-marital relationship:

• Considering it is a relationship between a male and female, it should be moulded by an understanding of biblical manhood and womanhood (see introduction).
• Considering it involves two people who were and may again be single, it should be moulded by a biblical understanding of singleness (see part 2 and part 3).
• Considering it is pre-marital, it should start resembling the characteristics of marriage. (see part 5 and part 6)
• Considering it is a relationship between two sinners, it should be moulded by the Gospel and the doctrines of indwelling sin, demonic powers and the world.  (see part 5)

• Singleness is an unnatural part of male and female identity:  “Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”” (Gen 2:18)
• Male and female were created to be complementary:  “So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”  Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” (Gen 2:21-24).  ”…I will make him a helper fit for him.”” (Gen 2:18)

Singleness after the Fall

• Singleness has become an unnatural, though common part of life:  Jesus had just been teaching on the matter of divorce, after which “…the disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.”  But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given.  For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.” (Matt 19:10-12)
• Many causes for singleness have resulted from the fall:
  • Physical inadequacy, spiritual reasons (Eunuchs of Matt 19:10-12)
  • Emotional, spiritual and personal abnormalities which make a person undesirable/unsuitable as a marriage partner.
  • Sovereign providences which make marriage impossible or make singleness necessary

Singleness in Redemption

• God becomes our Heavenly Father:  ”…when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.  And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, “Abba! Father!”  So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God. (Gal 4:4-7)
• Christ becomes our matchless husband:  “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…” (Eph 5:25).  For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. (Isaiah 54:5)
• God ensures that all things work together for our good – including singleness.  Rom 8:28!
• Our Heavenly Father withholds no good thing from us – singleness or marriage.   For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. (Ps 84:11)
• Therefore, our identity – whether single or married – is firmly anchored in Christ.  There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, [one could add: there is neither single nor married] for you are all one in Christ Jesus… for in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God, through faith (Gal 3:28, 26)
• God enables us to overcome some of the causes of singleness. “…He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives…” (Luke 4:18)  “…So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.” (John 8:36)

• Male and female are both created with equal value and dignity in God’s sight. “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” (Gen 1:27)
• Remember that while we are equal in dignity and value before God, we also have different roles and functions as male and female. Seen in principle in these verses: “Husbands, LOVE your wives…” and “Wives, SUBMIT to your own husbands” (Eph 5:25, 22) (Titus 2:4-5; 1 Tim 5:14; Gen 3:17-19)

Manhood and Womanhood After the Fall

• Both males and females sinned in Adam and were (or are) at one time both equally guilty before God. “Therefore, just as sin came into the world through one man, and death through sin,and so death spread to all men because all sinned…” (Rom 5:12).
• Both men and women are under the power of sin and both guilty before God. “What then? Are we Jews any better off? No, not at all. For we have already charged that all, both Jews and Greeks, [and males and females] are under sin…” (Rom 3:9)

Manhood and Womanhood in Redemption

Remember that God’s elect (male and female) are both equally loved by God:

• Equally loved from ETERNITY. “…even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world…” (Eph 1:4).
• Equally REDEEMED by the precious blood of Christ. “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Gal 3:28). Bless the LORD, O my soul!
• Equally BAPTISED into the same Spirit. “For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body—Jews or Greeks, slaves or free-—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.” (1 Cor 12:13).
• Equal HEIRS of eternal life. “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” (1 Pet 3:7)
• We have an equal place in the loving, Fatherly purposes of God for our futures–relationship wise, work wise, health wise, ministry wise etc! Our singleness or marriage is in His eternal, holy hands. “… according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will…” (Eph 1:11). “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” (Rom 8:28)
• Etc, etc, etc!

I hope you will seek Him while you are young–then you will be happy, and I shall rejoice. Nothing will satisfy me but this! Though I should live to see you settled to the greatest advantage in temporal matters–unless you love Him, and live in His fear and favor–you would be quite miserable! I think it would nearly break my heart; for, next to your dear mamma, there is nothing so dear to me in this world as you! But the Lord gave you to me–and many a time upon my knees, I have given you back to Him. Therefore I hope you must, and will, and shall be His!

…Written to his daughter Betsy (14 years old).

How? The universal remedy: The Gospel of Jesus Christ.  Phil 3:7-9

This is just another way of saying, “Little children, keep yourselves from idols.” (1 John 5:21)